1 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:09,310 Mmm! 2 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,811 Really, Dad? Another burger? 3 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,146 Whoa! 4 00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:14,148 You gonna take that from your own kid, Lou? 5 00:00:14,182 --> 00:00:16,417 Come on, fight back. Make fun of his hands. 6 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:19,053 No, we've just been eating a lot of burgers together lately. 7 00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:20,854 We formed a club, the Burger Boys. 8 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,556 Whenever a place has the balls to advertise 9 00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:24,058 the "Best Burger in Orlando," 10 00:00:24,092 --> 00:00:26,227 it's the Burger Boys' job to put it to the test. 11 00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:29,930 It's been a really fun way to hang out with two of my sons. 12 00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:31,599 Food is just brain-fuel. 13 00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:33,267 My girlfriend Sicily makes nutrition bars 14 00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:34,768 so we can focus on what matters -- 15 00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:36,337 science and holding hands. 16 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:37,505 You touch her knee yet? 17 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:38,439 Shut up! 18 00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:40,408 Almost. 19 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,443 Thank you for scheduling this dinner so late. 20 00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:44,745 I can't get out of the house while Maria's awake anymore. 21 00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:46,080 Sure you can. Use the door. 22 00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:49,283 No, she is just so clingy, 23 00:00:49,317 --> 00:00:51,252 she has a tantrum whenever I leave the room. 24 00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:52,386 Maria: Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! 25 00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:53,887 It's okay, sweetie! 26 00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:55,389 Mommy's right here! 27 00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,425 She has a shy bladder, though, 28 00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,360 so the more you scream, the longer this'll take. 29 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,229 Mommy, where are you? 30 00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:04,765 Honey, you have to start ignoring her. 31 00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:07,067 Teach her that she doesn't get attention by yelling. 32 00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,637 She only gets it through hard work and academic achievement. 33 00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:10,904 That worked with your boys? 34 00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:12,473 You ignored them and that fixed it? 35 00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:13,874 Oh, they never needed it. 36 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,043 They're so independent, especially now. 37 00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:19,079 In fact, it's freed me up for... 38 00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:23,284 Hey! Eyes on me! 39 00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:25,453 I am pleased to announce that I will finally 40 00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:29,223 be recording an audiobook of my under-appreciated novel, 41 00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:32,760 "A Case of a Knife to the Brain." 42 00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:35,062 I'll be doing an R-rated version and an X-rated version. 43 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,630 Ooh! 44 00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:38,732 You should've said all ea on you. 45 00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,334 It's an audiobook. 46 00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:45,606 -- Captions by VITAC -- 47 00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:46,774 * Fresh off the boat 48 00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,642 * I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go * 49 00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:50,778 * If you don't know, homey, now you know * 50 00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,112 * Fresh off the boat 51 00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:54,282 * Homey, you don't know where I come from * 52 00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:55,849 * But I know where I'm goin' 53 00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:58,352 * I'm fresh off the boat 54 00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:03,424 "As Jennifer Hong got up to the bazooka factory rafters, 55 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:04,858 she saw a door. 56 00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:08,128 Her elegant fingers grasped the knob, turned the knob, 57 00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:09,697 and pulled the knob --" 58 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,466 Ooh! Sorry, are you recording? 59 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:13,000 Maria: Hi. 60 00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,770 Honey, why is there a child on your leg? 61 00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:19,507 I gave you perfect advice. She should be obedient by now. 62 00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,609 Actually, your advice worked too well. 63 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:23,177 Oh, yes. My curse. 64 00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:24,712 I ignored her, and she calmed down, 65 00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:26,347 but then I started to miss 66 00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:28,549 all that clinginess and affection. 67 00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,184 Oh, yes. Your curse. 68 00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:33,854 I guess, but right now, she's my precious little girl. 69 00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:35,823 Don't you miss when your boys were this young? 70 00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,124 No. 71 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,459 I put in the work, 72 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:41,195 and I taught them to study hard, feed themselves, 73 00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:43,831 so now I can focus on my own life again. 74 00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:44,798 Speaking of which... 75 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:50,504 "And as the bazooka factory rafter door creaked open --" 76 00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:55,142 Wow, your door impression is incredible. 77 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,077 That wasn't me. I can only do doors closing. 78 00:02:57,110 --> 00:02:58,712 I haven't mastered doors opening yet. 79 00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:02,483 Evan. What's wrong? 80 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,218 Sicily broke up with me. 81 00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:06,387 Oh, my precious little boy! 82 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,556 Come here! It's okay! 83 00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:10,724 I told you it's hard to ignore your children. 84 00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,526 This is totally different. 85 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,928 This isn't a baby crying for more milk. 86 00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,697 This is a beautiful young man, 87 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:20,067 who has been betrayed by an evil, ugly witch. 88 00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:23,537 Okay. Come on, Maria. 89 00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:24,605 Bye. 90 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:31,512 I'm telling you, turducken is not Thanksgiving-exclusive. 91 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,080 We could do it year-round. 92 00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:35,616 And I'm telling you -- I see "turd" on a restaurant menu? 93 00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:37,217 I'm eating somewhere else. 94 00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:38,419 Louis: We've got another one, boys! 95 00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:40,020 Looks like Burger Barrel thinks they have 96 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,555 the "Best Burger in Orlando." 97 00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:43,424 Those suckers don't know what they're in for. 98 00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:45,058 You mean when you buy their food and talk about it? 99 00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,395 Trent, just... Okay? 100 00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,930 Hey, boss, think I could get in on the action this time? 101 00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,365 Oh, sorry, Chestnut, 102 00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:53,601 but this is more of a Huang-boys-only thing. 103 00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:55,202 Alright. Yeah. 104 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,570 I guess you would have to adopt me. 105 00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:58,772 Which would be crazy, right? 106 00:03:58,806 --> 00:03:59,673 Right? 107 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,043 Whoa, no bacon bits? 108 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,945 I get it, saving space for the beef. 109 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:05,979 Smart. 110 00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,548 I could learn from you. 111 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:10,784 Well, actually... 112 00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:14,588 Look, I wasn't sure how to say this before, 113 00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,990 but I was watching PBS, and there was this documentary 114 00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,292 called "Fatal Farming." 115 00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:19,927 Long story short... 116 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,663 God, why is this so hard? 117 00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:24,732 The thing is... 118 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,133 I'm vegan now. 119 00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:29,570 A vegan? 120 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:30,771 No. 121 00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:34,842 No boss's son of mine is gonna be a stinkin' vegan! 122 00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:37,511 Here I am, ready to give my left chestnut 123 00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:38,679 to be a Burger Boy, 124 00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,314 and you're gonna give a spot to this little... 125 00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:41,515 leaf-muncher?! 126 00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:42,816 It's disgusting! 127 00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:44,452 Whoa, you need to cool down! Oh, I need to cool down! 128 00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:47,488 I'm sorry, boss. 129 00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:48,922 You never think it'll be your kid. 130 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,624 Sorry, just playing catch-up here, 131 00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:51,792 but what's a vegan? 132 00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:53,527 It's like a vegetarian, except you don't eat 133 00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:55,095 any animal products, not just meat. 134 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,965 So no dairy, no eggs -- 135 00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:59,833 Wait, what about candy? Can you still eat candy? 136 00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:02,470 Guys, this doesn't have to be a whole thing. 137 00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:04,372 I don't need to eat burgers to be a Burger Boy. 138 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,773 It'll still be fun to hang out. 139 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,375 Emery's right. 140 00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,510 Nothing has to change. I'm sure it'll all be fine. 141 00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:10,678 Yeah, you're probably right. 142 00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:11,945 It'll be totally fine, 143 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,614 like when my sister Tiffany stopped drinking. 144 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,450 Huh. I didn't know you had a sister named Tiffany. 145 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,318 We don't talk about her because she stopped being fun. 146 00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:26,193 Do we have any Gatorade? 147 00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:28,562 My new boyfriend's a lot of fun. 148 00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:30,364 No, and keep it down. 149 00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:33,333 Evan's had a tough day, and he's trying to sleep. 150 00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,703 You're giving Evan too much attention. 151 00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:38,539 What about the advice you gave blondie? 152 00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:40,007 Jenny, you eavesdrop too much. 153 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,575 One day, it's gonna come back and bite you. 154 00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:43,176 The last thing that tried to bite me 155 00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:45,012 is waiting in the garage. 156 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:48,015 Maria is a toddler, Evan is a teenager. 157 00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:49,550 It's different. Give him a day. 158 00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:51,218 Tomorrow he'll be back to normal. 159 00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:52,653 I got to get back. 160 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:56,089 And don't come in no matter how much I yell "help." 161 00:05:58,392 --> 00:05:59,727 Mommy, I had a bad dream. 162 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,395 Oh, it was just your grandmother. 163 00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:02,563 Shh. 164 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:08,502 Uh...sorry. 165 00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:09,703 Are you sure this is okay? 166 00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:10,738 Not too weird? 167 00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:12,372 Not at all. 168 00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:14,775 I'm loaded on vitamin B12 with all these fresh vegetables. 169 00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,043 I'm in a great mood. 170 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,611 Is it just me, 171 00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,780 or is tofu at a burger joint a real bummer? 172 00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:21,982 It's like a cat at a dog show. Disrespectful. 173 00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:26,787 Two Double-Barrel Burgers for you. 174 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:31,425 And a seltzer for the boy who brought in outside food. 175 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,093 Thanks. 176 00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:34,061 Well... 177 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,198 Oh. 178 00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:47,040 We finally found the one burger 179 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,576 the Hamburglar wouldn't steal. 180 00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:50,243 You can tell these were frozen. 181 00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:51,479 Burrrr-ger. 182 00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:52,546 Boom! Got 'em! 183 00:06:54,448 --> 00:06:55,716 Umm... 184 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,985 Are you sure you don't want to try it? 185 00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,654 So you can see how bad it is? One bite won't kill you. 186 00:07:00,688 --> 00:07:02,089 First of all, you don't know that. What if I choke? 187 00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:04,424 Second, I'm serious about my veganism, Dad. 188 00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:05,459 But you two should enjoy. 189 00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,262 You know, maybe we just call it. 190 00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:10,263 There's something about this place 191 00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:11,965 that isn't as fun as I thought. 192 00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,634 Oh, that reminds me. 193 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,469 There's this vegan restaurant, Cafe Fiona, that says 194 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,738 they have the Best Veggie Burger in Orlando. 195 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,473 Whaddaya say we put 'em in their place, huh? 196 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,676 Oh, wow, yeah. Cool. Can't wait. 197 00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:24,077 You're not gonna like the price, 198 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:26,013 but that's what it costs to make a patty out of beans. 199 00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:27,080 And bun out of beans. 200 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,016 And cheese out of beans. 201 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,685 And the parking's valet-only. 202 00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,490 Soothes the vocal cords... 203 00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:38,091 and boosts fertility? 204 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,460 Just do one thing well. 205 00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:43,831 Oh, you're looking refreshed, how are you feeling? 206 00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:45,533 Better. 207 00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,134 Spending time with you always makes me feel better, Mommy. 208 00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,036 Great. That's solved. 209 00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:54,074 My cords are soothed. It's time. 210 00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:02,650 What's happening? What -- What is this? 211 00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:04,718 Spending yesterday together felt so good, 212 00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:05,953 I thought, why not do it again? 213 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,722 Oh. Another day of that. 214 00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:11,358 Hm. Okay, I guess you can observe my process. 215 00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:12,492 Hm. 216 00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:31,078 Out you go. You're gonna miss the bus. Are you gonna be waiting here when I get home? 217 00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:33,180 I promise. Which room? 218 00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:34,548 Uhp, the door's closing. 219 00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:39,486 Jessica, you were right -- 220 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,421 you make a perfect door-closing sound. 221 00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:43,757 I can make the perfect ass-kissing sound. 222 00:08:45,092 --> 00:08:47,561 Evan is more clingy than ever. 223 00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,563 I thought I raised him to be the perfect machine. 224 00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:52,332 But I didn't account for one thing -- love. 225 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,334 Now he's turned on his creator. 226 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,603 Like the "Terminator." 227 00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,671 I need a plan. 228 00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,607 How do you fix someone who's just been dumped? 229 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,008 I really wish I could help, 230 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,110 but I've actually never had my heart broken. 231 00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,245 My nicknames in high school were "Honey the Heartbreaker" 232 00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,881 and another I just realized I shouldn't tell you guys. 233 00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:10,250 I've never had my heart broken either. 234 00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,419 One guy tried, but he woke up the next morning 235 00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,221 with his mattress floating down the Potomac. 236 00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:15,923 Embarrassing for a senator. 237 00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:17,290 I always do the dumping. 238 00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:19,893 I've dumped 14 boyfriends this year. 239 00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:22,095 Hey, babe. 240 00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,230 You wanted to talk? 241 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:26,033 Time to make it 15. 242 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:28,802 Let's do this in the garage. 243 00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:29,803 Hmm? 244 00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:31,238 Okay. The garage. 245 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,375 That's it. 246 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:38,211 I just need to talk to some duds who've been dumped. 247 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,613 Did Jenny get a nurse? 248 00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:42,482 What just happened? 249 00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:43,651 Dud. 250 00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:45,986 * Send me on my way 251 00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:47,320 * On my way 252 00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:48,121 * Send me on my way 253 00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:48,956 * On my way 254 00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,223 * Send me on my way 255 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:50,991 * On my way 256 00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,392 * Send me on my way 257 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:53,160 * On my way 258 00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:54,261 * Send me on my way 259 00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:55,829 A lot of hemp on these vegans. 260 00:09:55,863 --> 00:09:57,731 Cashier: Number 50! Your food's sprouted! 261 00:09:57,765 --> 00:09:59,299 That's us! 262 00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:00,433 50? 263 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,770 You mean 49 other people ordered this crap? 264 00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:03,971 I can't believe we're stuck here 265 00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,939 instead of trying Leroy's Burger Town. 266 00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:07,074 Did you see their ad? 267 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,909 I did. Scrambled eggs in a burger patty? 268 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,679 Sounds terrible, but also maybe amazing? 269 00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:12,479 Who knows? 270 00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:14,614 Not us. 271 00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:17,017 But we can't eat that around Emery. It's too weird. 272 00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,986 Look, it'll all be fine. 273 00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,420 He's probably just going through a phase. 274 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,454 You know how he's been. 275 00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:23,423 Gentlemen, ready your wit. 276 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:26,660 The "Best Veggie Burger in Orlando" is served! 277 00:10:26,694 --> 00:10:28,662 Wait, it's just veggie stuff? 278 00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:30,030 Not like, a veggie/beef mix? 279 00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:32,833 Wait, I have my shoe bologna! 280 00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:34,935 Oh, damn it. I ate it in the car. 281 00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,009 Ugh! This tastes like cardboard 282 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,276 that was left out in the rain. 283 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,478 There's definitely dirt in here. 284 00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:47,214 And it might be on purpose. 285 00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:49,983 What if this isn't a phase? 286 00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:53,987 You can really taste the chickpea husks. 287 00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,255 Thank you, Mother Earth, right? 288 00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:00,193 Welcome, heartbroken flops. 289 00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:01,661 Thank you for meeting with me here today. 290 00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:04,031 Yeah. Sure thing. Always a pleasure. Sup. 291 00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:06,199 You're all here because you've been dumped before -- 292 00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:07,735 some, I'm assuming, more than others. 293 00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,036 Guilty! 294 00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:11,038 But you've all managed to bounce back 295 00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:14,474 and become mostly functioning adults. 296 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:15,575 How? 297 00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:16,844 Marvin? 298 00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,245 Oh, well, I just rebounded 299 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,147 the way my father taught me -- 300 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,648 move south and date younger. 301 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,984 My high-school sweetheart was a 50-year-old in Maine. 302 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,954 "Marvin -- useless." 303 00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:29,356 Never thought these words would come out of my mouth, 304 00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:31,825 but, Matthew Chestnut, please speak. 305 00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:33,326 Well, uh, let me tell ya -- 306 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,930 me and Madam Heartbreak go way, way back. 307 00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:38,198 I hate you. 308 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,333 But every time she does pay me a visit, 309 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:41,869 I just crack open a bottle of whiskey, 310 00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:43,403 put on an old Western, 311 00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:47,841 and weep until my eyes are as dry as the desert sands. 312 00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:50,010 Spoken like a man who's never been to the desert. 313 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:52,445 Y'know, it's truly amazing how many tears 314 00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:53,881 one man can produce in a single month. 315 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,884 "Never talk to Chestnut again." 316 00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,452 Alright, tank-top. 317 00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:00,553 Prove your worth. 318 00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,389 Hmm? What? 319 00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:03,690 I-I'm sorry. Marvin: Go, man. 320 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,258 This hangover is killing me. 321 00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:06,459 I-I had a wild night out 322 00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:08,395 with the boys last night, y'know? 323 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,798 Jackson bought some shots, Trey invited some babes, 324 00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:13,400 Cody did some sick backflips. 325 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,202 By the end of the night I had forgotten 326 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,871 about your mother-in-law -- and my home address. 327 00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:20,240 You know, unlike your choice in women, 328 00:12:20,273 --> 00:12:22,009 that idea is not half-bad. 329 00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:25,245 A party could get Evan off my back 330 00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:26,880 and might help him get over his break-up. 331 00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:27,781 Hmm. Hmm. 332 00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,149 Hmm. 333 00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:30,217 Okay, I just have to ask. 334 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,451 I grew up in Bangor. 335 00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:33,586 Was she a thin woman with glasses? 336 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,055 No. 337 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:38,225 She was a tub of clam chowder with perfect vision. 338 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,759 Whew! 339 00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:42,595 "She sipped her coffee." 340 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,465 "The clock ticked. 341 00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,400 Seconds turned into minutes. 342 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:48,802 Minutes turned into hours. 343 00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:50,603 Hours turned into days. 344 00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:52,072 Days turned into weeks. 345 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,440 She flagged down the waitress. 346 00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:54,441 'More coffee?' 347 00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:55,976 One cup turned into two. 348 00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:57,144 Two cups turned into three --" 349 00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:58,578 Evan: Mommy! 350 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,014 I forgot how bad the school cafeteria food is. 351 00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:02,615 Can you please make me a healthy snack? 352 00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:03,683 Please, Mommy? 353 00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,418 Maybe in a bit, but first 354 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:08,621 I have a different, original idea of my own. 355 00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:10,457 Call your friends and tell them you're having a sleepover! 356 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,192 But you said sleepovers are just a scam 357 00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:13,326 to get free babysitting. 358 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,495 They are, but I'll make an exception. 359 00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:17,130 You're the best, Mommy! 360 00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:18,498 I'll go call people right now. 361 00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,700 And you'll do this... without me? 362 00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:22,702 Sure! 363 00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:27,875 "Three cups turned into four. 364 00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:29,943 Four cups turned into five. 365 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,312 She asked for the bathroom code. 366 00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:37,117 It was 9-7-2-5-3-1-8-0 --" 367 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,018 Mom? 368 00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:40,287 Damn it, Emery! 369 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,489 She was just about to meet Gorbachev in the bathroom! 370 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,958 Have you seen Eddie and Dad? I can't find them anywhere. 371 00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:47,727 Well, they said something about going to Leroy's Burger Town. 372 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,063 Wait, they went to Leroy's Burger Town without me? 373 00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:52,465 Are you at Leroy's Burger Town right now? 374 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:53,533 No. 375 00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:54,567 Well... 376 00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,040 They call this a burger?! 377 00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:02,742 More like a...a booger. 378 00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:03,810 Sandwich. 379 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,478 Cooked not good. 380 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,480 Don't force it. There's a lot to figure out. 381 00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:08,916 You're eating, you're talking. 382 00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:10,383 Just slow down. You'll find it. 383 00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:12,886 I know, I know. I'm just so eager to please. 384 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,888 We're pleased, man. Pleased you're here. 385 00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:17,757 You're sneaking off without me? 386 00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:19,026 And you invited Trent? 387 00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:20,660 What happened to Huang boys only? 388 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,095 Well, what happened to eating meat? 389 00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:23,330 It hurts the animals! 390 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,165 Of course it does! It's meat! 391 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,167 Hey, I'm not the one that owes an explanation here. 392 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,569 Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Not you, Trent! 393 00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:31,438 I don't know you that well, but you seem very nice! 394 00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,107 Well, since you two clearly didn't want me here, 395 00:14:34,141 --> 00:14:35,475 I guess I'll just go. 396 00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:39,712 That's right, everyone! 397 00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,181 Get your stares in now! 398 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,750 We're all dealing with something! 399 00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:49,589 Alright, Zack -- Truth or Math? 400 00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:50,924 Truth. 401 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,860 Alright, boys, I'm gonna leave now. 402 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,195 You sure you're all okay? 403 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,429 Evan, you're good? 404 00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:57,931 Yes, Mommy. Now please go. 405 00:14:57,965 --> 00:14:59,699 Zack picked "truth." 406 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,235 We're in uncharted territory, and it's gonna get weird. 407 00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:06,073 Well, then? C'mon. 408 00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,941 Who would you rather kiss -- 409 00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:09,442 my mom or Jeff's mom? 410 00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:10,978 Ooh. 411 00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:13,213 Do you have a 5? 412 00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:14,481 Go fish. 413 00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:16,483 We've played the whole deck. 414 00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:17,717 I know you have a 5. 415 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,152 Go fish. 416 00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:22,222 I hate to admit it, but your ex 417 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,556 had some good advice 418 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:27,060 about distracting Evan with his "wild night." 419 00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:30,097 I don't mean to be rude, but you weren't paying that guy? 420 00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,831 Not with money. 421 00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:34,467 Oh, it's so nice 422 00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:37,737 to finally be able to have some time to myself! 423 00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,739 Evan was driving me nuts, 424 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:43,610 always following me around with the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" 425 00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:46,113 The clinginess was just too much. 426 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,815 Just getting some juice. 427 00:15:48,848 --> 00:15:50,017 Hopefully it's not too much. 428 00:15:57,857 --> 00:15:59,526 Oops, there I go again. 429 00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:00,793 Too much. 430 00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:02,295 She gets it, Evan! 431 00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,431 You're just wasting juice! 432 00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,339 Well, I guess I'll leave you be, 433 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,507 now that you "finally have time for yourself." 434 00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:15,808 Look, Evan, I don't know 435 00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,610 what you think you heard, but I wasn't -- 436 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,046 Let's check the tapes. 437 00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:21,314 You were recording? 438 00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:24,484 Jessica: Evan was driving me nuts, always following me around 439 00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:26,519 with the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" 440 00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,289 Nobody learned from Watergate. 441 00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,058 Look, Evan, I wasn't -- 442 00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:32,625 Don't worry, Mommy. 443 00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:34,294 What's a few more cracks in this broken heart of mine? 444 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,135 It'll be okay, Jessica. 445 00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,471 I mean, parents are allowed to mess up once in a while. 446 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,739 Marvin gave Maria coffee yesterday. 447 00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:48,808 I've never messed up like this before. 448 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,577 He'll come back. They all do. 449 00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:53,546 Louis still comes to me for motherly support. 450 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:54,914 Really? 451 00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:56,983 Interesting. 452 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,985 Honey: It's not that Marvin isn't satisfying in bed. 453 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,254 It's just, I don't have the stamina to keep up. Okay, Jenny, that's enough. 454 00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:03,390 Hey, Emery. 455 00:17:03,423 --> 00:17:04,591 Look, about earlier -- 456 00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:05,925 Yeah, about earlier indeed! 457 00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:07,760 I can't believe you picked undercooked meat blood 458 00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:09,062 over your own flesh and blood. 459 00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:10,563 Well, I got news for you, kid. 460 00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:13,233 I run a steakhouse! That's how we survive! 461 00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:14,767 Meat paid for the clothes on your back, 462 00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:15,902 meat paid for your bed, 463 00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:17,204 meat paid for your commemorative coins! 464 00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:19,038 Your life was built on meat! 465 00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:20,673 Yeah, what's the deal, Emery? 466 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,075 You too good for meat now or what? 467 00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:23,376 If you're too good for meat, 468 00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:25,245 I guess you're too good for...this alarm clock! 469 00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,013 And this journal! 470 00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,048 And this...bowl of... 471 00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:30,517 loose batteries. 472 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:31,851 You know what, Dad? 473 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,686 I never judged you for eating and selling meat. 474 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:34,854 I respected you. 475 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,890 And all I wanted was some respect in return. 476 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:42,629 Hey, is this sleepover still happening? 477 00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:45,565 Yeah, because if not, uh, that would actually be a relief. 478 00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:49,436 I need my home bathroom to... do what I need to do. 479 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,073 I know I'm on your bed, but it's not because I'm clingy. 480 00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,475 There was just nowhere else to go. 481 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:58,211 Evan, I felt awful for hurting you. 482 00:17:58,245 --> 00:17:59,379 I didn't know what to do, 483 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,448 so I called my mom to talk about it. 484 00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:03,783 Did she go on a rant about how annoying you are? 485 00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:06,119 Actually, she sent me straight to voicemail. 486 00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:08,121 But the fact that I wanted to call her 487 00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:09,722 made me realize something -- 488 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:13,626 sometimes a kid just needs their mom. 489 00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:16,129 Unless your mom's a hamster. They eat their babies. 490 00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:18,731 So you figured out Cool Ranch Jr. didn't move to Seattle? 491 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:19,632 Yeah. 492 00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:20,800 Did Eddie? 493 00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:22,169 No. And I won't tell him. 494 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:26,173 You're always so perfect, I sometimes forget 495 00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:28,408 it doesn't mean you won't struggle. 496 00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:31,311 I was glad I could be here to help you -- 497 00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:32,845 because I know I won't always be. 498 00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:34,247 Oh, no. Are you dying? 499 00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:35,582 What about the prophecy? 500 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:36,783 What? No. 501 00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:38,151 I'm talking about when you go off to college. 502 00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:40,019 The psychic's prediction is still true. 503 00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:41,688 Mommy will outlive you all. 504 00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:43,156 Oh, thank God. 505 00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:46,092 Please sing at my funeral. You have a lovely voice. 506 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,027 It was wrong of me to get annoyed at you 507 00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:50,129 just for needing my support. 508 00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:52,365 Getting over heartbreak takes time. 509 00:18:52,399 --> 00:18:53,800 Or so I've heard. 510 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:56,269 I guess I might have been overdoing it a bit. 511 00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:58,137 And also, I started to hear myself, 512 00:18:58,171 --> 00:19:00,006 and all that "Mommy" is a bit much. 513 00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:01,941 From now on, you can be "Mother." 514 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,611 Mm, just call me "Mom." 515 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,146 It's the easiest thing to scream when you're being kidnapped. 516 00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,385 I got the weird invitation you slid under my door. 517 00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,354 Your handwriting is really bad, Eddie. 518 00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:15,888 Look, you're still upset. 519 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,390 We've all been saying things we don't mean -- 520 00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:18,625 No, it's bad. 521 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,159 You should know which way an "E" faces by now. 522 00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,361 We have computers. Who cares?! 523 00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:23,796 Look, we're sorry. 524 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,031 We messed up big time. 525 00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:27,066 You did. You did do that. 526 00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:29,135 And we're sorry we bounced you out of the Burger Boys. 527 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,570 We really did like hanging out. 528 00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:31,971 I mean, look at this trio. 529 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,073 How often are the three of us a thing? 530 00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:36,576 It was never supposed to be about burgers. It was about bonding. 531 00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:38,345 It was hard for me not to see you going vegan 532 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,579 as a judgment on me. 533 00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,548 You don't claim to be the best in town, 534 00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:42,915 so I'd never judge you. 535 00:19:42,949 --> 00:19:44,417 Thanks. 536 00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:46,319 Now, we did invite you to Cattleman's for a reason. 537 00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,920 We put our heads together and made you 538 00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:49,389 a good veggie burger -- 539 00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:50,990 not like that crap from the restaurant. 540 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,559 Thanks, guys. 541 00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:03,202 So? What do you think? 542 00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:06,573 Wow, it's, uh... 543 00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:08,040 in my mouth. 544 00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:13,913 "As he knelt over his lover's pale, lifeless body 545 00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:17,784 he took her pale, lifeless hands in his darker, alive hands. 546 00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:19,419 He turned his neck upward 547 00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:21,220 and screamed to the heavens..." 548 00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:23,623 Whyyyy?! How could this have happened?! 549 00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:24,924 My heart has been broken!! 550 00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:26,058 Sicily!! 551 00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,694 Whew! 552 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,263 Sorry, this is way more therapeutic than I thought. 553 00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:32,231 I'm glad it's helping, but just so you know, 554 00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:34,301 you're not making any royalties from this. 555 00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,234 I know, Mom. 556 00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:40,307 "He turned his neck upward, then screamed to the heavens..." 557 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:51,618 Thank you for such a lovely date, Jenny. 558 00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:53,152 What the hell? 559 00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:55,221 You really do know your "Matlock" trivia. 560 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,290 Color me impressed. 561 00:20:57,324 --> 00:20:59,992 And you really know how to talk over the best parts. 562 00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:09,502 Heard there was an opening in the Burger Boys 563 00:21:09,536 --> 00:21:12,004 and you skipped over me for your little golden boy Trent. 564 00:21:12,038 --> 00:21:14,407 So now I'm dating your mother. 565 00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:15,608 It's your move, boss. 566 00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:21,013 You employ some odd people, Dad. 567 00:21:21,047 --> 00:21:23,282 I like the ones with low self-esteem. 568 00:21:23,316 --> 00:21:24,451 They do anything. 569 00:21:24,484 --> 00:21:25,452 Hm. 570 00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,120 Think that's a good idea. 571 00:21:28,154 --> 00:21:29,489 Hmm.